Arsenic and Old Lace

You'll want to give it back as soon as you get it. It's what you asked for. Here. Take it. It's yours now. Actually, it's just what you think you want. Those words you whispered to yourself late at night with your great hopeful heart have manifested into a reality but, not quite what you were expecting though, is it? The universe is very literal when it comes to granting wishes. Why all the disappointment when things seemingly come true? Duh. Our grandmothers were spot on with their warnings: "be careful what you wish for." I would like to add to that: "because you will get it."

$18.65 per Hundred Weight (Cwt)

I’m in limbo. It’s the good kind of directionless waiting room. I have done all my paperwork, said the words that needed to be said, paid what needed to be paid and now all I can do is wait and tend to the details. I am maintaining the processes but nothing has yet quite begun in any actual sense. It’s the beginning of the beginning; which means there’s nothing for me to anticipate. I quite like it. It’s been quiet on the overtime front so I have had some leisure time. So, of course I volunteered to milk. I helped a friend out this past weekend at a small production organic dairy. We only had a few Jerseys to do twice a day but it made me very happy to herd the cows down from the pasture into the parlor and milk them out. I got some good exercise, $25.00 and a quart of raw milk. I started thinking about where I used to milk and how much I wish that I could still be there. They’ve changed their milking schedule so it’s hard to stop by and visit (and sneak in my milking fix).

Even though it was bitter cold, I loved the wintertime 4:00am milking. Picture me in an insulated navy jumpsuit that was probably a young man’s snowmobile suit from a long time ago and my punk-rock red hair warming my hands on the filling glass milk jars, my bright blue fingerless gloves soaked with milk and iodine. The parlor was a shock of spearmint green and the heater would glow a vibrant orange overhead; the black and white Holsteins further warming the parlor with their body heat. When it is that cold in such a strangely humid environment everything feels viscous. I liked being still for a moment to just breathe it all in. To remember the wild colors and sensations coming together in the name of agriculture in this little room for these few hours each day. I would snap out of it as soon as I heard a milker come off. We’d all be cleaned up before the sun came up and I’d drive home into the brightening blue horizon in desperate need of coffee and a shower.

Uncle

That’s where you hit it. You hit the nail on the head to drive it deeper in. And then you hit it again until there is nothing more to hit. Flush to the surface. I find comfort in the childlike simplicity of this action but there is something so complicated about the why of it. What if I weren’t so spot-on and steady with my hammer? I think I’d be happier. I am convinced of that. Those elephant footprints around a missed nail add necessary character and appeal.

I have begun the summer feeling rather dull and like a failure without real reason. The heat depresses me. I want to rip out my garden and get day-drunk and stay up late watching the Tour de France. When I am at work I stay extra hours to be in the central air. I am hiding at work. I am hiding in my bad habits.

I sort of lost my footing and now need to refocus, revamp my previously threadbare plans. This idea of a routing myself toward a new goal seems tangible and I know I will achieve it. Like building a foundation from scratch with both found pieces and newer materials. I can picture it in my head clearly. I will hit the nail on the head every time until it is complete. I know it will be strong enough to bear the weight of my pachyderm size future. It has to.

Last Saturday

What do you do on days like this? Dull, chilly sunlight and quiet blue skies. Maybe knit a few more rows on that woolly pink scarf while watching that last bit of Law and Order you slept through last night. Maybe you walk your dog to the coffee shop for a latte and some girl talk. Take in some rays and gossip. Get a runny nose and windburn. Recite frantic and optimistic “to do” items that won’t get crossed off the list today: fold laundry, finish homework. Do dishes. Those heroic non sequiturs that have become dangerously ingrained in decision making. “We’ll get it to fit together somehow,” you say to the dog. She knows we won’t. Lazily make a beautiful lunch and eat it yawning bite by yawning bite. Take a nap in the nude with the baseball game on. A moment before sweet sleep to snuggle in and feel the delicious fibers of the down comforter on every inch of yourself and then dream of unrequited distant love for a stranger. And you end up doing all of the above. Because it was Saturday and you were feeling happy and alone. Because it was a terrific day for doing all those things.

Yoga is Sanskrit for “Wake the F*ck Up!”

I have been doing yoga for years with no particular intention other than the beneficial stretching and breathing. I am realizing now that my practice was rather hollow. Yes, it came from a good place but had no real meaning. I am pleased to say that has changed. I have new instructors and a new focus. I am opening my heart. Sometimes it hurts so much, sort of like I got punched in the heart, and I cry during my session. But I feel amazing after. I feel lighter and easily accept love that is offered to me. I was always just a giver. Now I can sense the seed of balance. The energy I manifest is raw and pure and powerful. The Mettā I am cultivating is being directed toward a very worthy recipient. Whatever your practice, reevaluate your intention. Create a goal beyond the physical and the benefit will drown your senses in joy.

Error Messages

I have noticed that I have become more of a processor. I like to watch people do things a few times before I try it myself. I like to visualize and put it all together in my head before stepping out. It could be that I am reinventing my childhood in a sense. When I was a kiddo I was always the first to jump. I was the kid everyone else watched to learn what not to do. I am lucky to have suffered no permanent physical repercussions. It is now that I am so careful that I get hurt.

Though risks are now calculated I still let myself get carried away when it comes to love. I think that is because it is the riskiest thing we do and the thing we have the least control over. So, I am never afraid to go for the gusto. Nervous, yes. Even cautious at times. But if I love you, you know it!

It used to all be about nature and art for me. Science and beauty. I dug fossils, worked for Chanel, milked cows, grew grapes and painted. Now it is a life of policy and procedure, blood and guts, human need and tactile art. I am seeing that my previous life has nurtured me enough to allow me the strength to do what I do now. They are complete opposites. And needed to be. But now my brain is mired with correct steps to take and with predetermined solutions to each scenario. There is not much room for finesse or ingenuity. It’s already all been done. I am being taught that no matter the situation the steps are the same. It is so conflicting with what I believe that I think I am having a tougher time with it than most. The funny thing is I am already planning to continue with all of this training!

It is really hard for me to be terribly creative at this time. That is rather depressing to me so I am finding other ways to create and express myself. My medium has always been written word. And I just don’t feel able to organize my thoughts enough to make them flow as beautifully as I like. This hiccup has brought me new opportunities and I have tried things that I normally wouldn’t have. A plainclothes blessing.

I understand that what you think your life should look like is not usually what it will be. But you can get pretty close. You just have to trust yourself. It is much harder than it sounds. Being cut off from your comfortable way of expression leads to amazing challenges that only help to build trust in yourself. It’s a bazaar cycle but it works.

I have Steve Gollnick-style dreams

My dreams have always been super vivid. I don't always remember them because they just seem to get filed into my memory. Lately, I have noticed some Ambien-like side affects infiltrating my real life from dreamland. I am trying to recall my dreams now. And today I wrote one down finally. Thank you for the inspiration Steve!

Last night I heard an ambulance call on my pager and in my dream I went on the call. It was on Route 96 in Jacksonville. Everything was fine. There were many cars stopped on the side of the road in a haphazard arrangement and it was very bright out. Like those midsummer evenings when the world has a honeyed glow just before the sun starts to fade. It looked as though people had stopped to be bandaged. All were smiling. I went through the nearest house all the way to the back where there was an attached lean-to that opened to a big yard. A little black pig greeted me and I scratched his chin while I watched Ivy play in the yard with some other dogs. Off in the distance there was a woman screaming while sitting in her garden. I could see through the outbuildings that she was tall and well built with a sweeping blond bun. A bear engulfed in flames was standing over her and striking her and roaring terribly. She didn’t move. I froze. A group of men came from behind a barn to her rescue. “She’s fine,” they kept repeating. They shooed the bear away and walked back in the direction that they had come from leaving the woman whimpering. Seeing that she was alright, I turned from her to head around to a neighboring house. I kept my eyes to the ground. Ivy in my periphery. I could hear that bear sauntering behind me. It was the only thing that noticed me. There was a beautiful spring garden in bloom at the foot of the steps of my safe haven. Red tulips and grape hyacinth in tiers and surrounded by cobblestones. I thought about picking a bouquet. Instead, I grabbed a weed from the corner of the garden on my way up the steps.

All insights are welcome. Here is what I found in terms of interpretation:

Bear

To see a bear in your dream, symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal, and resurrection. You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open.

To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear, denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition. You may find yourself in a threatening situation or domineering relationship.

Fire

Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, then it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. The dream may be a metaphor for someone who is "fiery". It represents your drive, motivation, and creative energy. Alternatively, the dream may be warning you of your dangerous or risky activities. You are literally "playing with fire".

Pig

To see a pig in your dream, symbolizes dirtiness, greediness, stubbornness or selfishness. Alternatively, the pig may represent gluttony, opulence and overindulgence. Perhaps it refers to someone who is dirty or someone who is chauvinistic.

This pig may be analogous to a relationship or a man in your life. You think that the pig will be a certain way, but in actuality reality is not at all what you had imagined.

Barn
To see a barn in your dream, signifies the feelings that are kept in your unconscious. There is a possibility that you may be holding back your instinctual action or natural urges.

Tulips
To see tulips in your dream, indicate fresh new beginnings. You are loving life! Tulips are also symbolic of faith, charity, hope, perfection, idealistic love and fertility.

Weeds

To dream that you are weeding, suggests that you need to rid yourself of the negativity in your life in order to move on and grow as a person. It is time to release past grudges and build on future relationships.

To see weeds in your dream indicate that you are feeling neglected, overshadowed or cast to the side. Weeds may also represent friendships or relationships that have gone awry.