Last Saturday

What do you do on days like this? Dull, chilly sunlight and quiet blue skies. Maybe knit a few more rows on that woolly pink scarf while watching that last bit of Law and Order you slept through last night. Maybe you walk your dog to the coffee shop for a latte and some girl talk. Take in some rays and gossip. Get a runny nose and windburn. Recite frantic and optimistic “to do” items that won’t get crossed off the list today: fold laundry, finish homework. Do dishes. Those heroic non sequiturs that have become dangerously ingrained in decision making. “We’ll get it to fit together somehow,” you say to the dog. She knows we won’t. Lazily make a beautiful lunch and eat it yawning bite by yawning bite. Take a nap in the nude with the baseball game on. A moment before sweet sleep to snuggle in and feel the delicious fibers of the down comforter on every inch of yourself and then dream of unrequited distant love for a stranger. And you end up doing all of the above. Because it was Saturday and you were feeling happy and alone. Because it was a terrific day for doing all those things.

Yoga is Sanskrit for “Wake the F*ck Up!”

I have been doing yoga for years with no particular intention other than the beneficial stretching and breathing. I am realizing now that my practice was rather hollow. Yes, it came from a good place but had no real meaning. I am pleased to say that has changed. I have new instructors and a new focus. I am opening my heart. Sometimes it hurts so much, sort of like I got punched in the heart, and I cry during my session. But I feel amazing after. I feel lighter and easily accept love that is offered to me. I was always just a giver. Now I can sense the seed of balance. The energy I manifest is raw and pure and powerful. The Mettā I am cultivating is being directed toward a very worthy recipient. Whatever your practice, reevaluate your intention. Create a goal beyond the physical and the benefit will drown your senses in joy.

Error Messages

I have noticed that I have become more of a processor. I like to watch people do things a few times before I try it myself. I like to visualize and put it all together in my head before stepping out. It could be that I am reinventing my childhood in a sense. When I was a kiddo I was always the first to jump. I was the kid everyone else watched to learn what not to do. I am lucky to have suffered no permanent physical repercussions. It is now that I am so careful that I get hurt.

Though risks are now calculated I still let myself get carried away when it comes to love. I think that is because it is the riskiest thing we do and the thing we have the least control over. So, I am never afraid to go for the gusto. Nervous, yes. Even cautious at times. But if I love you, you know it!

It used to all be about nature and art for me. Science and beauty. I dug fossils, worked for Chanel, milked cows, grew grapes and painted. Now it is a life of policy and procedure, blood and guts, human need and tactile art. I am seeing that my previous life has nurtured me enough to allow me the strength to do what I do now. They are complete opposites. And needed to be. But now my brain is mired with correct steps to take and with predetermined solutions to each scenario. There is not much room for finesse or ingenuity. It’s already all been done. I am being taught that no matter the situation the steps are the same. It is so conflicting with what I believe that I think I am having a tougher time with it than most. The funny thing is I am already planning to continue with all of this training!

It is really hard for me to be terribly creative at this time. That is rather depressing to me so I am finding other ways to create and express myself. My medium has always been written word. And I just don’t feel able to organize my thoughts enough to make them flow as beautifully as I like. This hiccup has brought me new opportunities and I have tried things that I normally wouldn’t have. A plainclothes blessing.

I understand that what you think your life should look like is not usually what it will be. But you can get pretty close. You just have to trust yourself. It is much harder than it sounds. Being cut off from your comfortable way of expression leads to amazing challenges that only help to build trust in yourself. It’s a bazaar cycle but it works.

I have Steve Gollnick-style dreams

My dreams have always been super vivid. I don't always remember them because they just seem to get filed into my memory. Lately, I have noticed some Ambien-like side affects infiltrating my real life from dreamland. I am trying to recall my dreams now. And today I wrote one down finally. Thank you for the inspiration Steve!

Last night I heard an ambulance call on my pager and in my dream I went on the call. It was on Route 96 in Jacksonville. Everything was fine. There were many cars stopped on the side of the road in a haphazard arrangement and it was very bright out. Like those midsummer evenings when the world has a honeyed glow just before the sun starts to fade. It looked as though people had stopped to be bandaged. All were smiling. I went through the nearest house all the way to the back where there was an attached lean-to that opened to a big yard. A little black pig greeted me and I scratched his chin while I watched Ivy play in the yard with some other dogs. Off in the distance there was a woman screaming while sitting in her garden. I could see through the outbuildings that she was tall and well built with a sweeping blond bun. A bear engulfed in flames was standing over her and striking her and roaring terribly. She didn’t move. I froze. A group of men came from behind a barn to her rescue. “She’s fine,” they kept repeating. They shooed the bear away and walked back in the direction that they had come from leaving the woman whimpering. Seeing that she was alright, I turned from her to head around to a neighboring house. I kept my eyes to the ground. Ivy in my periphery. I could hear that bear sauntering behind me. It was the only thing that noticed me. There was a beautiful spring garden in bloom at the foot of the steps of my safe haven. Red tulips and grape hyacinth in tiers and surrounded by cobblestones. I thought about picking a bouquet. Instead, I grabbed a weed from the corner of the garden on my way up the steps.

All insights are welcome. Here is what I found in terms of interpretation:

Bear

To see a bear in your dream, symbolizes independence, the cycle of life, death and renewal, and resurrection. You are undergoing a period of introspection and thinking. The dream may also be a pun on "bare". Perhaps you need to bare your soul and let everything out into the open.

To dream that you are being pursued or attacked by a bear, denotes aggression, overwhelming obstacles and competition. You may find yourself in a threatening situation or domineering relationship.

Fire

Depending on the context of your dream, to see fire in your dream can symbolize destruction, passion, desire, illumination, purification, transformation, enlightenment, or anger. It may suggest that something old is passing and something new is entering into your life. Your thoughts and views are changing. In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, then it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. The dream may be a metaphor for someone who is "fiery". It represents your drive, motivation, and creative energy. Alternatively, the dream may be warning you of your dangerous or risky activities. You are literally "playing with fire".

Pig

To see a pig in your dream, symbolizes dirtiness, greediness, stubbornness or selfishness. Alternatively, the pig may represent gluttony, opulence and overindulgence. Perhaps it refers to someone who is dirty or someone who is chauvinistic.

This pig may be analogous to a relationship or a man in your life. You think that the pig will be a certain way, but in actuality reality is not at all what you had imagined.

Barn
To see a barn in your dream, signifies the feelings that are kept in your unconscious. There is a possibility that you may be holding back your instinctual action or natural urges.

Tulips
To see tulips in your dream, indicate fresh new beginnings. You are loving life! Tulips are also symbolic of faith, charity, hope, perfection, idealistic love and fertility.

Weeds

To dream that you are weeding, suggests that you need to rid yourself of the negativity in your life in order to move on and grow as a person. It is time to release past grudges and build on future relationships.

To see weeds in your dream indicate that you are feeling neglected, overshadowed or cast to the side. Weeds may also represent friendships or relationships that have gone awry.

Los Nuevos Extraterrestres

This ship is making its way through the water just fine on its own, thank you. I haven’t really been making a whole lot of choices these days beyond what to have for dinner or what color to paint my kitchen. No big ticket items. No real direction. I gave in. I am letting the current take me where it will. I just hope it knows where it’s going. All that talk about life being about the journey rather than the destination may have finally gotten to me. So here I am. This is me on the journey. Now what?

I have been making small strides and achieving goals. Accomplishments are my new thing, however small. I went back to where it all went awry and rather than forcing the issue or bullying the out the desired result, I am letting things take shape on their own. I have been temporarily taken over by one of the body-snatchers. And I have to say, I needed the break. But this comes with consequences as most idyllic notions do. This isn’t actually life. Autopilot does not equal reality. Though recharging oneself is necessary before moving into the next phase of life, sometimes you have got to put a clock on it.

In the mean time, while this Alien is navigating, I am reconciling what I actually want my life to look like and making a mental list of practical goals. I find that this can be productive and rather creative. I always want to combine two things that don’t go together. Nothing seems to fit, and yet, it all does. And while I am on this steady course to no place special I am cleaning house – figuratively of course. This seems like as good of a time as any to jettison that which does not apply to the future. That great unknown place where dreams go to either come true or die. Or, if you are a terminal optimist like me, go to get revised. Revision is my new mantra. Adjust, Modify, Amend. CHANGE. They don’t need to be biggies either. It is so true that the little things make all the difference.

Suffice to say, I am utterly content at the moment. You can see it in my expression and in the way I move about. There are great things happening behind the scenes. I am enjoying this time in the open sea because I know that there is hard work ahead, a bit of quiet before the proverbial storm. Eventually I will need to step to the helm and set a course, however right or wrong it may be.

Moo

I love cows. I really do and am an adamant supporter of their humane treatment. Temple Grandin has done some amazing work in this arena. If you aren't familiar, I suggest you pick up one of her books or read one of her papers about animal behavior. But I don't want to be a hypocrite here. I drink lots of milk, consume all things dairy, eat rare red meat and wear leather. While wildly delicious and diversely useful, I also like spending time around these animals. Even though they heave and sigh more dramatically than a bored tween and they don't understand your commands or react when you need them to. I have a scar on my foot from where I got stepped on (with full weight) by one of those bitches. They need people in a hapless and helpless way. Sometimes they will piss right in your face or buck your thigh or swat shit in your eyes with their tails. When I worked at the dairy regularly I would eat cheeseburgers after every evening milking shift because they made me so mad. "I'm going to eat you!" I would mutter. And I would. But there is something powerful about being engulfed by the weight of mammalian trust that tears you away from the modern world. This is what I am most thankful for, this is what brings me back. They are warm doe-eyed beasts with little brains and thankless jobs. They emit an incredibly docile sultriness and draw you into their calm. You are part of the herd while you are working in it. They know you are there and they accept you. It's cool with them.

I am the Fourth Philosopher…

Running season kicks off for me with the end of lake swimming and the Chris Bond 5K. This year I slept through the race due to a grueling evening in the ER. So I ran the course solo after my evening shift to make up for it. I just got some new sneakers and will enjoy shredding them immensely. I have a new determination. I feel as though I have a new body and mind as compared to last year. I still hate running – it is so bad for you – but I feel that there are few exercises that require such little money, time, thought. So, for me, it fits the bill. I am making new play lists, mapping new routes and I know Ivy is more than excited to hit the streets again. The act of going on a run is meditative for me. I don’t like to go with others and I prefer to go in the dark with a frozen moon over my head, music in my ears, dog at my hip. It all sounds so rewarding and pure, I know. That being said, when I am done with my run (all showered and dressed) I go to the pub and drink like a sailor. But, I don’t ever fall out of my chair. At first I chalked it up to stellar genetics – I am a good drinker, no doubt – but then I realized that something happens to how my body metabolizes alcohol when I put it through hell. It is kind of awesome. I would like to take a moment here to give a shout out to Ommegang for making my favorite beer in the whole world: the high-test Belgian known as Three Philosophers. I swear it makes me smarter; just ask my bartender Annie! This acquired genius propels me through my wintry days in a heavenly (and hangover free!) fog. And so, I run because it is free so that I can spend the money that would be the equivalent of a gym membership on beer.

 

“I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer.” - Abraham Lincoln