Monday, February 21, 2011

Error Messages

I have noticed that I have become more of a processor. I like to watch people do things a few times before I try it myself. I like to visualize and put it all together in my head before stepping out. It could be that I am reinventing my childhood in a sense. When I was a kiddo I was always the first to jump. I was the kid everyone else watched to learn what not to do. I am lucky to have suffered no permanent physical repercussions. It is now that I am so careful that I get hurt.

Though risks are now calculated I still let myself get carried away when it comes to love. I think that is because it is the riskiest thing we do and the thing we have the least control over. So, I am never afraid to go for the gusto. Nervous, yes. Even cautious at times. But if I love you, you know it!

It used to all be about nature and art for me. Science and beauty. I dug fossils, worked for Chanel, milked cows, grew grapes and painted. Now it is a life of policy and procedure, blood and guts, human need and tactile art. I am seeing that my previous life has nurtured me enough to allow me the strength to do what I do now. They are complete opposites. And needed to be. But now my brain is mired with correct steps to take and with predetermined solutions to each scenario. There is not much room for finesse or ingenuity. It’s already all been done. I am being taught that no matter the situation the steps are the same. It is so conflicting with what I believe that I think I am having a tougher time with it than most. The funny thing is I am already planning to continue with all of this training!

It is really hard for me to be terribly creative at this time. That is rather depressing to me so I am finding other ways to create and express myself. My medium has always been written word. And I just don’t feel able to organize my thoughts enough to make them flow as beautifully as I like. This hiccup has brought me new opportunities and I have tried things that I normally wouldn’t have. A plainclothes blessing.

I understand that what you think your life should look like is not usually what it will be. But you can get pretty close. You just have to trust yourself. It is much harder than it sounds. Being cut off from your comfortable way of expression leads to amazing challenges that only help to build trust in yourself. It’s a bazaar cycle but it works.

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