My husband and I have incompatible blood. Somehow I have the Antibody C and my husband has the Antigen C. As well, he is Rh + and I am Rh -. At this stage we are doing well and all tests are negative (in a positive way). Such a strange item but this smooth pregnancy has had its oddities in terms of medical weirdness. I feel incredible but there have been outside ups and downs. He's moving so much now. Everyone told me when I felt my baby it would feel like a flutter but to me it feels like I have live fish in my belly swimming constantly. It is very surreal and wonderful being pregnant. I wasn't sure I would ever be here. In the meantime, I have entered baby boot camp by getting a puppy. No sleep, lots of cleaning up poop and pee, patience, patience, patience...
My baby is about the size of a mango. It is so hard to wrap my head around it all. I'm going to be a mother in a different way. Though I am already raising two beautiful children, I'll have my first biological child in August. A sunny summer baby boy is growing in my belly. It is surreal right now. I haven't felt him just yet but I think I will in the coming weeks. The kids are excited even though my daughter would have preferred a sister. We told her that maybe next time her father and I can accommodate her request.
I should have gone to college when I was young and stupid. Full-time school, full-time work, a household to manage, a family to care for. Tumbling, all the while, deeper into debt. I have another semester after this one and I should be done barring any irrevocable damage from self-sabotage. I'll have a bachelor's degree and over 50k in loan debt. I'll be another poor educated fool with more work experience than college-related learning and a higher debt-to-income ration than when I started. If I don't finish, I won't be able to advance in my administrative career. If I quit and get a lower paying job that makes me happy I'll never get out of debt. How stupid. I wish that one of those talented hackers out there would wipe away all of our collective college debt! Now that would be worth doing!
I am lucky to feel strong. My body is strong – even with this sedentary lifestyle’s pudge becoming visible, my heart is strong – even though I have moments of fear, and my self is strong – but it always has been.
This next bit of my life will be about recognizing and fostering strengths. I have high hopes for this interlude into the spring. To begin again things I have set aside in favor of class time. This semester my class time will be virtual giving me the gift of a freer schedule. A dive back into the fire service, studio pottery, and the solid evening runs my body craves. A new opportunity of employment is on the horizon as well that will grant me a higher wage and new perspectives in complex healthcare operations. I love when hard work pays off and drives goals forward beyond just completion but into triumph.
I have a true partner in life who supports my every step navigating my way. We are in this together. I do my best to help make his dreams happen as well. I am grateful to have someone that will help me make things happen and has new ideas to improve our lives. He is without a doubt everything I have ever wanted in a sweetie and is one of my very best friends. I am at my best because of his devotion and support. I am fortified by his love.
It’s a new calendar year and nothing is different, thank goodness. My sweet little family is consuming in a way I couldn't have comprehended as a single woman. My life is full of love and hugs. It’s just so full. Work distracts me from my family, school distracts as well though I continue to work to finish my degree. I am the norm somehow. Most mothers I know are in school and balancing their lives on a teeter-totter made with a tightrope. This new life I have embraced has been mine only since June of 2012 but it feels like I have always lived this way. Perhaps I was just simply meant to live this way. My one-day husband and my part-time children have invited me with open arms into this strange new world. And somehow with all these different pieces placed together it works. It works so very well.
I have fallen in love in the most profound way. Not only with my lover but also with his beautiful children. I have never cherished moments in the manner I do now. I pay close attention to those small details and swim in the way he looks at me. We laugh, we love, we embrace. He is my best friend. My new children are also my best friends. I am exhausted and incredibly joyful. I am a new woman. This love, this one is different. I feel safe with my heart in his hands. I don't feel vulnerable though I have opened my heart as wide as it will go. I am happy and appreciate every sweet second I get to spend with him. He relaxes me but also thrills me beyond anything I have ever experienced. I waited for this, for some one like him, for years. It was worth every hopeless thought and every lonely hour. He's my only one and only.